Flight Lines

  Agent 54 here again.  I recently had to fly across country for personal reasons and so I thought there might be some humor I could write about in the whole air travel process, but I was wrong.

  Well, I thought I was wrong until one of the voices in my head, Bob, corrected me.  Bye the way, Bob is the voice that I sent looking for that comedy idea I had lost in 2013 (Voices).  I hadn’t named Bob at that point and he received some emotional injuries then but, Bob has made a full recovery and I know everyone is grateful for that.

  So, three of the voices in my head and I are sitting here drinking coffee and discussing domestic air travel.  You know Bob so, let me introduce Stu and John,  Stu is the annoying voice that stutters and John is stoic and has a very subtle, dry sense of humor.  Sometimes I think John doesn’t even know he’s being funny.

  We all seem to agree about the best airline joke but the problem is that it is a visual joke.  Bob is insisting I include it so, here goes nothing.

  185 stewardesses walk into a bar and the bartender says “Oh, I’m sorry, we don’t serve stewardesses in here and the exits are here (pointing to the exits on either side of the bar with both hands like a flight attendant does on the pre-flight check-list) and here.”

Bob:  See!  It works great!  You know if you listen to me more often you’d be making money on this blog.  I mean big bucks!

Stu;  Ye, ye, ye yeah.  Li li li listen to B, B, Bob.

Agent 54:  What the heck are you talking about?  How can you say it works when I’m not even finished writing this yet?

John:  Correct, Agent 54.  The audience must decide if the joke works.  As an audience member, I think it sucks.

Agent 54;  John, you’re supposed to be a participant in this.  Not an audience member.

John:  I’m going to deny having anything to do with this project if you include that joke.

Bob:  Who are you going to deny it to?  You been talking to other people’s voices in their heads?  Huh?  You cheatin on Agent 54?

Stu:  Ch, ch, ch cheater!

(John turns his nose up, crosses his legs and stares out a window into my subconscious.)

Agent 54:  Shut up, Stu.  How is that even possible?  Com’on guys.  We’re supposed to be writing something funny for my fans.

Bob:  Fans?  That’s a bit generous, don’t ya think.

Stu:  F, f, f, fart joke fans.

Agent 54:  Nothing wrong with a good fart joke.  Let’s explore that some more.

Bob:  Okay, let me ask you, Agent 54.  Did you fart on the airplane?

Agent 54:  Yes, yes I did.  Every single one, every time I fly.

Stu:  O, o, o, okay?

(10 seconds of silence)

John:  You guys are morons.  May I be excused?

Agent 54:  No!  Are you for real?  Where the hell are you going to anyway?

Bob:  Told ya, he’s cheatin on ya.

Stu:  Ch, ch, ch cheater!

Agent 54:  Guys!  Com’on!  We’re getting nowhere.

Stu:  O, o, o, okay, h, h, h, how about this.  A, a, a, airline food makes you f, f, f, fart.

Bob:  That’s a fact Stupy boy, not a joke.

John:  Agent 54’s farts are smarter than this whole conversation.

Bob and Stu make fart noises:  ththththththththththffarttttttt.

Agent 54:  Alright, that’s all I can take.  Why don’t you guys go learn to speak Spanish or something. 

John:  Finally!  Adios.

Bob:  Feliz burrito!  Thththththfartttttt.

Stu:  O, o, o, ole!  Th, th, th, thththfartttttt. 

  



So, it turns out that I was right from the start.  There is nothing funny about flying across country.

Voices

Group Session