Sunday, September 25, 2016

Too Many Emotions

  Agent 54 here again.  I’ve been around for a while now and I’ve come to the conclusion that there are just too many emotions involved in human existence.
  Sure, there are some emotions that people like.  Love, satisfaction, happiness, joy, excited and full come to mind but, these positive emotions are overwhelmed by negative emotions like, hate, disappointment, anger, sadness, frustration, irked, perturbed, disgusted, offended, confusion, embarrassment, envy, jealousy, and not full.  Why so many negatives?  It’s not fair.

  The second problem with all these emotions is severity.  There are too many highs and lows because people take these emotions to extremes.   Even love.  I know you love your little Chihuahua but, carrying it around in public or in your purse is going too far.  Likewise, I understand you hate my cigar smoke but, banning smoking in every building in the country is a little extreme, don’t ya think?

Emotions at work suck too.  You know what happens.  If you show that you are happy, people around the water cooler start gossiping about who’s butt your kissing and how you got your last promotion.  How do you prove you’re not a “brown- noser”?  If you show you’re unhappy you get labeled as disgruntled or a trouble-maker.  If you show up with a hangover 3 or 4 times a week, you get labeled as an alcoholic.  Is that fair?

  Sometimes I get confused wondering about which emotions or how much emotion people expect to see from me in certain situations.  Example:  You tell me your dog died.  I don’t like dogs but, I like you.  So I fake empathy for your dog while Bob, my favorite voice in my head, is telling me that you should just go to the animal shelter and pick out a new, totally dependent, dirty and dumb animal to chew on your new shoes and crap on your carpet.  Of course I have to suppress Bob because you would freak out if I told you Muffy or Dogzilla was no more important or hard to replace than your favorite reclining chair.  Oh great!  Now the dog lovers are offended.  I’m Sorry (am I really sorry or just faking it?).  Great!  Now you know what it’s like to be confused like me.      

  Emotions can make you do some dumb stuff.  Raise your hand if you grow your hair long now to cover that tattoo that says “I love Gertrude” or “Leroy & Me” on your neck.  I myself once got so angry at someone that I punched a solid oak door and broke my hand.  Pretty dumb.  In fact, that’s so dumb I’m going to deny that I did that.  Oh, BTW, you can put your hands down now.  Yeah, I didn’t break my hand.  That was Stu, one of the other voices in my head.  See, emotions can make you tell lies.

  Expressing emotions correctly can be difficult too.  Have you ever accidentally used the wrong emoji?  Do you even know what an emoji is?  What about our facial expressions?  All of our faces are different.  What if I drink too much coffee (is that possible?) and develop a twitch in my eye?  You might think I’m winking at you and then the next thing you know, we’re engaged to be married.  Who needs that pressure!

So, I’ve been thinking about a solution to the problem of Too Many Emotions and I’ve decided that sorting and restricting the severity of individual emotions is too complicated and just won’t work.  My idea is to restrict myself to just two basic emotions in an effort to control the highs and lows of life.  From now on my two emotions are going to be Full and Not Full.

  FYI:  Full is what you are after going to Taco Bell and Not Full is what you are before you go to Taco Bell.  I believe that limiting yourself to just these two basic emotions could lead to a more even and sane life.  I think Mr. Spock would agree.

  So who is going to join me in this noble experiment?  Who is brave enough?  Please follow my lead and return to this blog post to record your experiences in the comments section twice a week for the next 20 years.   

Good luck.  I appreciate your support.


Nut Bowlers

Flight Lines

Sunday, September 18, 2016

Ron Burgundy in New Mexico

  Agent 54 here again.  Well, Ron Burgundy has conceded the Presidential race.  It was a great race for Ron.  Let's take a look back at the fun we had on the campaign trail. 

  It’s been a while since we had an update from Blitzed Wolfer on the Burgundy Campaign.  Many voters seemed to have gotten the impression that Ron had dropped out of the race.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  Check out this interview with Ron from New Mexico.

Blitzed Wolfer:  Hello everyone this is Blitzed Wolfer with CAN on the campaign trail with Presidential candidate Ron Burgundy.  We’re standing in front of a medical facility in Albuquerque, New Mexico with Ron and his Physician, Dr. Vinnie Boombatz. 

Blitzed:  (to Ron Burgundy)  Ron, you have an announcement for us?

Ron Burgundy:  Yes, may I introduce Dr. Vinnie Boombatz.

Dr. Vinnie:  Hello Blitzed.  I’m here to certify that after rigorous examinations by the medical staff here at the Albuquerque Indian Health Center, we can pronounce that candidate Burgundy is healthy as a horse and his hair is a work of art. 

Blitzed:  That’s great news. 

Ron:  Thank you Dr. Vinnie.  You can go back to the golf course now.

Dr. Vinnie Boombatz
Blitzed:  (to Ron)  That’s terrific but, tell me Ron, what about your evaporating poll numbers?  You are down to 0.0004% in the latest Hecht-Cantilever poll.

Ron:  Well, a lot of things evaporate here in the dessert.  We still have time and though I may not have a lot of support, it’s the quality of my support that counts.

Blitzed:  Uh, okay.  So, most of American voters seem to be supporting other candidates.  What do you think of your opponents supporters?

Ron:  Well, while they’re as wrong as wrong can be to support somebody else, I still find them to be “adorable”.

Blitzed:  That’s nice.  So, what’s next for your campaign? 

Ron:  The campaign is going to Reno Nevada to get ready for the first Presidential Debate in Lake Tahoe on September 26th.  I think we’ll do quite well there.  You’ll see.

Blitzed:  Uh, Ron, the first Presidential Debate is in New York at Hofstra University on the 26th.

Ron:  What?  Wait! Wadda ya mean?  (calling out to Campaign Manager, The Only Wendy Shade)  Wendy!  What’s he talking about?

Wendy walks up to Ron and Blitzed.

Wendy:  (sadly) Uh, I’m sorry Ron but, we still haven’t received a reply to our appeal from the debate committee.  I didn’t know how to tell you this but, we’re not invited to the big debate.

Ron:  What!?! But, I’m the best looking candidate in the race!  How can this stand?  Nevermind, I’ll hold my own debate in or at Lake Tahoe.  You’ll be there to cover it, right Blitzed?

Blitzed:  Uh, actually I have tickets to go cover the big debate.

Ron:  Fine!  Then I’ll just have my Channel 4 News Team cover my debate!  In fact, I’ll debate my Channel 4 News Team.  Yeah, yeah, I’ll debate Brick Tamland, Brian Fantana and Champ Kind and it’ll be great!  Big debate, big deshcmate!  Who needs New York City anyway!

Blitzed:  Uh,

Ron:  (angrily interrupting)  I think that’s a wrap, Blitzed!!!

Blitzed:  Yeah, Uh, that’s, that’s all the time we have for today.  I’m Blitzed Wolfer on the campaign trail for the Cable Ass Network.  Thanks for watching.

Wow!  Personally, I can’t wait to watch Ron Burgundy debate the Channel 4 News Team.  Mark your calendars, America.

Sunday, September 11, 2016

The Changing Seasons

  Agent 54 here again.   It’s that time of year when the leaves on the trees are turning different colors, the kids are going back to school and the Baseball season is ending while Football season is just beginning.  For some people, the changing of the seasons can be a stressful time of year.  I got to listen in on a phone conversation between professional athlete Tim Tebow and hunter Elmer Fudd.  Can Elmer help Tebow adjust to The Changing Seasons?  Let’s find out.

Elmer Fudd:   Uh, hewoew, Elmer Fudd speaking.

Tim Tebow
Tim Tebow:  Hey Elmer, this is Tim Tebow.  How are you?

Elmer:  I know you! Huhuhuhuh.  You’re the Qwattaback that won the Heisman Twophy in 2007.  Oh boy!  Did you call because you want to go wabbit hunting with me?

Tebow:  Yeah, that’s me.  Uh, no, no wabbitt,,,no rabbit hunting for me, thanks. Well, the truth is that I’m trying to play professional baseball for the Mets now but, I’m having trouble transitioning from one sports season to another. 
Elmer Fudd

Elmer:  Twouble Twansitioning?

Tebow:  Uh huh.  I’m used to running plays and throwing passes this time of year, not swinging at fastballs.  You always seemed to be able to make the change from rabbit season to duck season and back and forth in a flash.  How do you do it?

Elmer:  Scotch!  Pwefwerabwe Dewars Scotch.

Tebow:  No!  That can’t be true.  How do you shoot when you’re loaded?

Elmer:  Oh, uh, well the Scotch doesn’t weally help me shoot stwaight.  The Scotch helps me deal with Bugs.  Huhhuhuhuh.  That scwewy wabbit will dwive you cwazy without a couple of dwinks.

Tebow:  Wow! I can imagine. Well, Scotch won’t help me hit a curveball.  I guess I’ll have to try to ask somebody else.

Elmer:  You could twy Orson Welles.  He was in the movie A Man foew All Seasons.

Tebow:  Yeah, yeah I’ll give him a call.  Thanks Elmer.

Elmer:  Before you go I want to ask you a qwestion.

Tebow:  Shoot!  Uh, I mean go ahead.  Please don’t shoot any wabbits,,,uh rabbits right now.
Bugs Bunny

Elmer:  Tim, you pwayed for Fwowida, the Bwoncos and now the Mets.  Those teams wear the same colors.  What’s with you and Owange and Bwue?

Tebow:  I don’t know, just lucky I guess.  Well, thanks anyway, see ya later.

Elmer:  Say Tim, feel fwee to call me duwing wabbit season,  We can go bag a few wascally wabbits.  Huhuhuhuhuh.

Tebow:  Uh, sorry but no thanks.  I don’t shoot living things.  Bye now.

Elmer:  Okay, good bye.

So, as summer fades and the temperatures begin to moderate, only one question remains:  Is it wabbit season or duck season?

Sunday, September 4, 2016

The Warrior’s Studio, with Blitzed Wolfer Vol. V

Confused Guy
Agent 54 here again reviewing another episode of The Warrior’s Studio with Blitzed Wolfer.  These interviews just keep getting better and better.  Let’s see who’s in the studio today.

Blitzed Wolfer:  Welcome everyone to the fifth installment of The Warrior’s Studio.  I’m your host, Blitzed Wolfer and I apologize, there seems to be some confusion about today’s guest.  (to the guest)  Sir, is this your correct name.

Confused Guy:  I don’t know.  What does it say in your notes?

Blitzed:  It says you are “Confused Guy”.

Confused Guy:  Oh, yeah, that’s the Superhero name they gave me.  You can call me, uh, uh, call me Confused Guy.

Blitzed:  Uh, okay Confused Guy, I think I can gather by your outfit the reason they call you that.

Confused Guy:  Why, wadda ya mean?  

Blitzed:  Well, it’s just because you’re wearing Ironman’s mask and Spiderman’s shoes and you’re holding Captain America’s shield and you have a woman’s blouse on.

Confused Guy:  It’s not a woman’s blouse.  It’s my blouse.

Blitzed:  Yes, well, I meant it has a woman’s style to it.

Confused Guy:  Well, if it’s my blouse and I’m wearing it, doesn’t it have my style?

Blitzed:  I suppose it does.  Let’s get on with the interview, shall we.  Please tell us how you battle Darth Vader and the evil Empire.

Confused Guy:  What?

Blitzed:  You know, what do you do to help win the war between the Rebel Alliance and the Empire.  You are an intergalactic warrior, aren’t you?

Confused Guy:  What?  Heck no!  I’m an Uber driver.

Blitzed:  An Uber driver?!  What the heck are you doing here?

Confused Guy:  I dunno.  I was hungry and somebody said there was free pepperoni pizza in one of these rooms around here.  I got tired of looking for it so I came in here and sat down and then you started asking me these dumb questions.

Blitzed:  Yes, well the pizza is in the Green room.  I guess we should continue the interview since you are here.

Confused Guy:  Which room is the Green room?

Blitzed:  Don’t worry, I’ll show you later.  Now, you are an Uber driver.  How’s that working out.

Confused Guy:  Okay, I guess.  I got a tip last month.

Blitzed:  Really?  Was it a good tip?

Confused Guy:  Oh yeah, the rider told me “don’t smoke in bed” so now I get up and get a Dr. Pepper from the fridge before I fire up my purple bong.
Blitzed:  Oh, so you’re from Colorado.  What are you doing here in New York?

Confused Guy:  New York?  Oh, no wonder my last rider got so mad at me.

Blitzed:  Yes, well, that’s all the time and patience we have for today’s interview on The Warrior’s Studio.  I’m Blitzed Wolfer saying, I apologize.