Sunday, October 23, 2016

Shifting Alliances

  Agent 54 here again.  While I was carelessly watching Hockey or Baseball on my TV, I noticed some Shifting Alliances that made me curious.  When I brought these concerns up with my wife, she made me feel like I was the only one in the world who cared or even noticed these things.  Is that true?  Am I alone?  Do I need psychotherapy?  Let me explain before you answer these questions or before you send the guys in the white jump suits with the big butterfly nets and strait jackets again. 
  I have long thought it was very odd that The General of General Car Insurance ran around with a Penguin for a pal.  Though Penguins are an up and coming species and may someday challenge Cats for WorldDomination of this puny planet, my thoughts were “What the heck do Penguins have to do with Car Insurance”?  Penguins don’t drive.  In fact, Penguins come from the South Pole.  Most of them have never even seen a car and they certainly don’t buy Insurance.  I’m sure there are damn few of them that could even hold a job.  Why a Penguin?

  The mystery deepened as I began to notice that The General did not treat the Penguin very well.  For years The General used the Penguin for a prop and never let him speak or fed him.  Then I saw The General driving his snazzy red Corvette without his usual buddy the Penguin in the passenger seat.  Did anyone else notice the sounds of kicking coming from the trunk of the Corvette?  I don’t care if The General had to clean Penguin poop from the passenger seat, locking him in the trunk was just plain wrong and I have a good mind to call PETA on his ass.

Shaq & The General
  The next thing you know, Shaquille O’Neal (Shaq) is riding shotgun with the General and has speaking parts in his advertisements.  It appears that The General had thrown the Penguin under the red Corvette.  I do like Shaq because he knows from funny but, he’s no Penguin and he should have had more respect than to break-up the General-Penguin team.

  Before you start to cry for the Penguin, let me tell you the good news.  In the most important and accurate article The New York Times has ever published, it was announced that the Penguin had landed a new gig as Winnie the Pooh’s new buddy and had even been given a cool new name, “Winter”.  There’s no word yet about the question of is “Winter” going to get a speaking part in his new roll or if eventually Pooh-bear (he is a bear, you know) will eat the penguin (a stunt penguin, of course).  Never the less, I was happy that the Penguin landed on his happy feet and I wish him well.

Winnie the Pooh & Winter
However, as usual, my examination of this subject has left me with more questions than answers like:  If the 7’1” tall former NBA MVP, Shaq is mistreated by The General, will Shaq stuff him into his own helmet and punt him off the Santa Monica pier into the middle of the Pacific Ocean?  Will Winnie the Pooh’s new buddy, Winter convince the bear to become a vegetarian?  Is the New York Times good for anything other than Penguin cage liner?  And finally, does anyone other than me give a crap?

Saturday, October 15, 2016

Thank You for my Liebster Award

Agent 54 humbly here again.   I’m honored to have been nominated for a Liebster award by Chocolat Lover of the Not Meatloaf Again! Blog.  Chocolat Lover always reads and comments on my new posts and you know how we bloggers crave that support.

  My favorite blog for years now is Sandee’s Comedy Plus  Sandee runs weekly features like Awww Mondays, Wordless Wednesday, Feline Friday and my favorite, Silly Sunday.  I like to time my new posts to first publish on Sunday morning so I can link to Silly Sunday.  I have been introduced to many other blogs and bloggers there and I enjoy reading those silly jokes and trying to support the other bloggers with witty comments.  I do sometimes drop in on Feline Friday to check out the cat pictures but I don’t usually contribute because I don’t have any cats.  I like cats, especially served with beans and guacamole.  I’m sorry.  Bad old joke. I wouldn’t eat your cat.  Maybe a stray cat but, not your cat.

  So, now that you know more than you ever wanted to know about me, it’s time to answer Chocolat Lover’s 10 questions for me.  This should be fun.

1.     My favorite chocolate bar has to be Snickers.  The very name means little laughter and I have craved them since my first day.
2.     I have Green Eyes and according to Ancient Alien theory that means I may have been abducted by Space Aliens.  That would explain a lot.
3.     I really do like cats and don’t like dogs.  I will pretend I like your dog if I like you.
4.     I don’t drink alcohol and I prefer to leave my mess at Taco Bell which makes them pretty upset when I get my food from Jack-in- a- Box.
5.     Tough one.  My favorite bands include Led Zeppelin, The Rolling Stones, The Who, The Moody Blues, Nirvana and The Beatles.  I have to say Paul McCartney is my favorite artist.
6.     Purple describes me best.
7.     This may sound sick but, the smell of old Hockey gear is my favorite.  I played Ice Hockey for 19 years and that smell always meant a lot of fun. I miss playing Hockey.
8.     My morning coffee cup is from a set of dishes my wife has.  It’s white with apples and grapes painted on my side and a pear and grapes on your side.  It has the usual V shape but, with a twist to it like when you were making it, you were turning the top and leaving the bottom set as it cooled.
9.     Oh boy, I collect many things. I have a metal detector so I collect coins, jewelry, marbles, balls, beads, Legos, fishing lures, magnets and other things that I put in old Yankee candle jars and call art.  I like colorful things.
10.                          I’m wearing Gold Toe brand white athletic socks.  Nothing like good socks.

Now my nominations for a Liebster Award are:

Messy Mimi of Messymimi's meanderings.  Miss Messy is one of my Silly Sunday buddies and I enjoy her bayou flavored humor.  She is also a cat lover. 

I have to bend the rules a bit and nominate Joe Hagy of Cranky Old Man blog.  Cranky is another Silly Sunday blogger and his Stupid Headlines crack me up.  

Tim Clark of Life Explained blog is one of my new favorites.  I think Tim and his buddy Jesse Zahrt are running for office,,,or is that running away from office?  I dunno. 

That's all I got for now for nominations so, here are the 10 Questions: 

1. Syrup or Sprinkles?

2. Do you trust Goats?

3. Have you been abducted by Space Aliens too?

4. Why the heck do you blog?

5. Vampires or Zombies?

6. Have you ever ordered a bucket of chicken all beaks and feet? Why not?

7. Do fish know they are wet?

8. What was the last book you read?

9. Do you use Duct Tape?

10. Do you know from funny?

I want to give a special shout out to Susan Leighton of the Woman on the Ledge blog. Susan has been reading and supporting me by commenting on all my older posts. Turns out that we have tread the same ground in several different parts of the country. I really do appreciate Susan.

Finally, I want to post the website where Liebsters can find the rules for making your own Liebster nominations:

Thanks again to Liebsters everywhere. This was fun.

Sunday, October 9, 2016

Clowning Around

Agent 54 here again.  My best friend, Howard tells this worn out old joke that goes:  If attacked by a group of clowns, go for the Juggler.  Yeah, I apologize. 

  Not everyone likes clowns but the one good thing you can say about all clowns is that they are not mimes.  There are good clowns and there are bad clowns and there are Main Stream Media Clowns. Unfortunately, bad clowns have recently become topical.  However, to lighten the situation, I’ve decided to rate my all-time favorite clowns.  
See if you agree with my choices.

1.      Ronald McDonald :   Probably the best known clown, worldwide and generation to generation.  Everyone knows Ronald and associates him with eating delicious and
nearly poisonous food.  Ron is rich enough to have me killed for saying what I just said.  Update 10/12/16:  Due to the current "Bad Clown" public relations situation, Ronald McDonald has agreed not to have me killed for this post.  Praise be to Odin. 

2.     Bozo:   I don’t really understand why but, as a kid I used to love to watch Bozo the Clown on early morning TV.  I don’t remember him being funny, except for his huge red hairdo but, I couldn’t wait to see him.  Later people used his name to describe people who were screw-ups.  I don’t remember Bozo screwing anything up but, he must have been the king.

3.     Jack in the Box or just Jack:  Another restaurateur, I like Jack’s TV commercials.  They’re almost funny enough to forgive him for the horrible Tacos his restaurants sell.  ALMOST!

Freddie the Freeloader
4.     Freddie the Freeloader:   Freddie was a character played by great, old-time comedian Red Skelton who seemed like a one- time high society type who was just a bit down on his luck.  Freddie was charming and everyone liked him but that same cigar he smoked for 40+ years stunk.

5.     The Joker:  The joker was my favorite bad and scary clown until he let me drop on my head during a Team Building exercise at my NSA under the DORD.  Never trust anyone with a 40 year criminal record.

6.     Brian Williams:   Williams was a newscaster on a large TV Network who always thought way too much of himself.  Brian would twist and fabricate stories and then feed them to the public as the truth.  Once the public caught on to Brian Williams and realized that he was so full of bullshit he could fertilize all the farms in all 57 states, his name became synonymous with lies and deception.  Appropriately, Williams wound up doing comedy at MSNBC where he still spreads the bull like it’s going out of style.
Lying Brian Williams

  So, that’s my list.  Are some of your favorites on there too.  Let me know who’s on your list of favorite clowns and remember to always leave’em laughing.


Sunday, October 2, 2016

Zombie Lunch

   Agent 54 here again.  I don’t know why we at the NSA under the DORD have Earl’s Undead Diner, located just outside Pasadena, bugged but, what the heck, I’m getting paid to listen.  Saturday, our old zombie buddies from the movie business met there for lunch.  Here’s my report:

Scene:  Earl’s Undead Diner looks like a typical East Coast diner that has been abandoned for a couple of decades.  It’s dirty and dark and there is Spanish Moss covering much of the exterior.  Inside you can hear Rob Zombie playing on the juke box.  The smell is better than you would think.  Kind of a mixture of a nice Italian tomato sauce and rotting flesh.  There are about two dozen patrons including a few Zombies and Werewolves but, it’s too early in the day for Vampires.  Most of the crowd are regular people dressed up like Zombies or Werewolves or Vampires or Smelly Pirate Hookers.  Tis the season.

  A zombie waitress who was quite good looking, when she was alive, arrives at table 4 where our three zombies, Allan, Max and Brad are seated.

Zombie Waitress:  Hey boys, the usual?

Zombie Brad:  Naw, you got any of that Brainloaf that Jerry’s wife makes for ya?

Waitress:  Yeah, she just dropped 10 more off on Thursday.   Everyone here want the loaf?

Brad:  Yeah, that’s right, guys?

Zombies Allan and Max nod in approval.

Waitress:  3 Brainloafs and 3 Bloody Marys coming up.

As the waitress shuffles away, Max speaks up.

Zombie Max:  Look at those posers over there.  If they only has a clue about what being a real zombie is all about.

Zombie Allan:  I hate them tourists.

Zombie Brad:  Oh com’on guys.  You know, if it weren’t for them, this place would be closed.

Max:  Whatever!  So, have you heard anything about work?

Brad:  I’m on it.  My buddy Ziggy is supposed to have some info for me later this week.

Allan:  What?  That ain’t much to go on.  I ain’t been paid since my second week on that Zombienado fiasco.  That was the stupidest idea ever!

Max:  Yeah, right!  Nobody got paid.  I had high hopes for that project.  I was thinking we might make 2 or 3 sequels for that piece of crap.

Brad:  Yeah, I know that Zombienado failure was a real drag.

Allan:  I’ll say.  Them Producers were a bunch of morons.  I mean, who makes a bunch a stinkin sharks the heroes of a movie?  Don’t make no damn sense.

Brad:  Hey, this is Hollywood we’re talking about.  It makes no sense that Vin Diesel has a career but, he’s rich enough to buy all three of us ten times over.

Max:  Right!  I gave up on trying to make sense.  Now I just want to make cash.

Vin Diesel
Allan:  What the hell happened to them damn Producers anyway?  We ever gonna get paid?  If we don’t get paid, they’d better throw them bums in jail.

Brad:  I heard they left town.  Skipped the country is what I was told.

Max:  You know I heard that too.  I had a fantasy where they were all fleeing to Mexico in a small motorboat that was attacked by Giant Squids and they all got ate.

Brad:  Giant Producer eating Squid.  Hmmm.  You know, Hollywood just might go for something like that.

Max:  You really think so?  I mean they don’t have to be Producers.  They could be Directors or Agents or Politicians or other criminals too.  You know, I could sit down and write something up for this idea.  You wanna help?

Allan:  Here you go again with your big stupid dreams.  You guys been smoking too much uh yur medical marijuana.

Brad and Max together:  Brains, brains, moan, groan.

Allan:  Damn comedians.