Sunday, November 27, 2016

The Warrior’s Studio, with Blitzed Wolfer Vol. VI

Leonard Vader
  Agent 54 here again.  I have really enjoyed Blitzed Wolfer’s series of interviews with his intergalactic warrior guests.  Let’s check out the latest episode.

Blitzed Wolfer:  Thank you for joining me today for The Warrior’s Studio.  Can you believe it’s our 6th show?  Ah, where does the time go?  This week we have Leonard Vader of The Evil Empire for you.

Audience:  Mild mix of boos and clapping.

Leonard Vader:  High Blitzed.  It’s good to be here.

Blitzed:  So, I understand that you are related to Darth Vader himself.  What’s that like?

Leonard:  Oh, it’s pretty cool.  Uncle Darth is pretty busy most of the time but, we still find time to watch NFL football games together sometimes.

Blitzed:  Really.  Fascinating.  Tell us, what is Darth Vader’s favorite team?

Leonard:  It’s the Oakland Raiders of course. 

Blitzed:  I should have known.  So, I have heard that you work for your uncle.

Darth and Leonard at Raiders Game
Leonard:  That’s right.  I’m in the Empire’s Public Relations department.  By the way Blitzed, you introduced me as being of The Evil Empire.  We prefer just The Empire.  We don’t see ourselves as evil.  Sure we’re firm but, I think we’ve been misunderstood and poorly represented in the main stream media.

Blitzed:  Firm?  You guys created a “Death Star” that destroys planets.  That’s more than a bit firm, don’t ya think.

Leonard:  Well, when you are trying to bring order to the chaos of some rebel controlled galaxies, sometimes you have to break a few eggs.  The Empire only destroys worlds for the good of the universe. 

Blitzed:  Uh, you’re right.  I don’t understand you guys at all.

The Emperor
Leonard:  Blitzed, The Emperor has a grand plan and Darth Vader is just helping him implement that plan.  You media guys need to trust in The Emperor.  He’s only thinking of all of us.

Blitzed:  I guess.  I hope he’s not aiming the Death Star at this planet “for my own good”.

Leonard:  Ha ha, of course not, ha ha.

Blitzed:  Okay well, I’ll sleep better now, maybe.  So, let’s get back to you.  As a relative of Darth Vader, how do you use the power of “The Dark Side of The Force” to help you do your job.

Leonard:  There you go again with your labels.  It’s just “The Force” Blitzed and I don’t use it.  No, I just issue press releases and come on shows like this one to get The Emperor’s message of peace and unity out there to everyone.

Blitzed:  So, you don’t have the ability to use “The Force” like your uncle?

Leonard:  Well, I tried it once.  I tried real hard but, it just made my ears ring and my hair fell out.

Blitzed:  Is that why you wear that black helmet?

Death Star
Leonard:  No, the helmet is standard Empire issue for my department.  Did you know Uncle Darth designs all the uniforms himself?  He’s really a talented and nice guy when you get to know him.

Blitzed:  I guess I’ll take your word for it.

Leonard:  Say Blitzed, I have to ask you about all those Empire Pizza boxes in your Green room here.  How did you get your hands on so many of our Pepperoni Pizzas?  You know there’s been a shortage of Pepperoni Pizza due to a rash of EMPEX high-jackings in this quadrant of the galaxy.  I’ll tell ya, stealing Uncle Darth’s pizzas, that’s evil and not very nice.  You wouldn’t know anything about that would you?

Blitzed:  Well, I’m afraid that’s all the time we have today for The Warrior’s Studio.  Thank you for joining us here at CAN, the Cable Ass Network.

Saturday, November 19, 2016

A Nerdy Movie Review?

My 2013 Chevy Sonic
  Agent 54 here again.  I earned some free passes at work so, I took my buddies to see a movie and then we went to the pool to review it.   The group included Shamu, Flipper and Charlie Tuna.  These are our thoughts on Keeping up with The Joneses starring Zach Galifianakis, Isla Fisher, Gal Gadot and Jon Hamm.

Agent 54:  Okay, I’ll go first.  I really liked the movie and I thought it was cool that the lead character, Jeff Gaffney, who was played by Zack Galifianakis drove the same car as me.  The movie was pretty funny.

Shamu:  Is you crazy!  Man, the first half of that movie was so slow it woulda lost a race with Sea Snail.  The only cool part was when they was eatin snakes. 

Flippper:  Yeah, I dunno.  I mean it was a little funny sometimes and it did have some great car chases and gun fights and a couple of nice explosions.  Oh yeah I like the little redhead, Isla Fisher.  Get it?  Isla Fisher?  Get it, I’m a fish.  Isla Fisher?

Zach Galifianakis
Charlie Tuna:  Yo Flip! How many times do I have to remind you, you’re a Marine Mammal.  C’mon, have a little class.

Flipper:  Who cares.  I bet Isla Fisher don’t know the difference.  I betcha!

Shamu:   Is you crazy too!  Man, the chick playin Mrs. Jones was the hottie of this movie.  (singing) Me-e-e and Mrs., Mrs. Jo-o-ones, Mrs. Jones, we got a thing goin on.

Charlie Tuna:  Oh boy, ain’t nobody got no class around here?
Charlie Tuna

Agent 54:  C’mon guys the movie was funny.

Charlie Tuna:  Yeah, the only reason you liked it was cuz you look like Zach Gala-Gala-Gala- what’s-his-name and you drive the same stupid car.  You do realize that car was part of the joke, don’tcha?  

Shamu:  Yeah, you know, nerdy little fat dude in a cheap little car.  Can you be sayin “Loooooser”?

Agent 54:  Whatda ya mean?  I don’t look like Zach and he lost weight for this role and that little car gets 30 mpg and it got your ass to the movies today, didn’t it?

Flipper:  Yeah uh.  Agent 54, let’s review.  You’re fat, he’s fat.  You’re short, he’s short.  You’re a white dude with a beard…..starting to get the picture here?

Agent 54:  I liked the character, Jeff Gaffney.  He’s a college graduate and he has an important job and a nice house and a nice car and good-lookin wife.

Shamu:  Nerd Alert!

Flipper:  Nerd Alert!

Charlie Tuna:  Nerd Alert!

Agent 54:  Gimmie a break!  And who you callin fat, Shamu?  And Charlie, I thought you had a little more class than that.

Shamu:  Nerd Alert!

Flipper:  Nerd Alert!

Charlie Tuna:  Nerd Alert!

Agent 54:  Fine!  Well, I’m giving the movie 5 outta 5 Starfish.  I thought it was great!

Shamu:  Shiiiiit!  I’m jus givin it 2 Starfish, both for (singing) Mrs. Mrs. Jo-o-ones.

Flipper:  Right with ya, Shamu.  2 Starfish for my little redhead fisher girl.

Charlie Tuna:  I’m givin it 2 Starfish too.  I liked the pool scene.

Agent 54: (pulling a pocket calculator out)  Fine!  So, doing the math, that comes out to an average of  2.75 Starfish for Keeping up with The Joneses.

Shamu:  Nerd Alert!

Flipper:  Nerd Alert!

Charlie Tuna:  Nerd Alert!

Agent 54:  Fine!  Whatever!  Next time we go to the movies, one of you guys can drive. 

Sunday, November 6, 2016

The Rubbish Ranger versus Foilman

MACA!  Make America Clean Again

  Agent 54 here again.  Everyone knows that on my days off I like to get up early and clean-up my neighborhood by picking up trash using a plastic bag and my grabber stick ($19.97 at Home Depot).  I had an interesting encounter with a kindred spirit, sorta, yesterday while out doing my thing.  Here’s my report on my conversation with Foilman.

Scene:   Agent 54 is walking down his street with his grabber stick and a plastic bag.  A character is walking towards me who also has a grabber stick and plastic bag.  This person is wearing a red-colored eye mask, red cape and a blue t-shirt with a red F on it.

Agent 54:  Good morning.  Uh, whatcha doin?

Foilman:  Isn’t it obvious?  I’m Foilman!  I’m saving the environment by collecting foil, cans and other aluminum debris from the streets of this fair city.  Who are you and what are you doing, citizen?

$19.97 at Home Depot
Agent 54:  Uh, well, I’m just picking up trash in my neighborhood.  I’m Agent 54.  I mean that’s my nom de plume but, when I’m doing this I think of myself as The Rubbish Ranger.

Foilman:  Nam de what?  Sounds like you’re a little confused.  I hope you are recycling the aluminum cans you’re picking up.  You too can save the environment by recycling and helping to make the most of the earth’s resources.  You are recycling, aren’t you Mr. Rubbish?

Agent 54:  No, it’s, no, just call me Agent 54.  That’s the name I use for my blog because of my part-time job.  I do recycle at home.

Foilman:  And what about the aluminum trash you pick-up?  Do you know that Americans discard a billion tons of aluminum every day.   What will you drink your beer from when the earth runs out of aluminum?

Agent 54:  Huh, I don’t drink beer and where did you get that number.  Sounds like fuzzy math to me.  And another thing, what’s with the Halloween costume?  You’re not trying to draw any attention to yourself or anything are you?

Foilman:  Hah! This outfit is smart and perfectly appropriate for an environmental Superhero.  I wouldn’t criticize anyone else’s apparel when you, yourself look like you are dressed for a felony.  Just because you call yourself Mr. Rubbish doesn’t mean you have to wear it.

Jr. Rubbish Rangers in training
Agent 54:  I told you to call me Agent 54 and I wouldn’t make fun of anyone else’s name with a greasy name like Foilman?  I mean really.  Foilman – Oilman?  What the heck?  And don’t you mostly pick-up cans?  What about Canman or The Canister? 

Foilman:  Now see here, I come from a long line of…

Agent 54:  (Interrupting).  Wait a minute!  What the heck are we doing here?  I didn’t come out to get into a pissing contest with you.  I actually admire what you do.  We are both protecting the environment in our own way on our time off work.

Foilman:  Yes, well, you do have a point except all my time is time off work.  I just like to use the extra money I get from selling the scrap aluminum to buy cigars.

Agent 54:  There you go, cigars!  I love a good cigar.  Hey! Are you saying you don’t work?

Foilman:  Correct.  I haven’t had to work for many years.

Agent 54:  How’d you pull that off?

Foilman:  I made some very smart investments when I first started working.  They have paid off quite handsomely .

Agent 54:  Well, spill the beans.  Who’d you invest in.

Foilman:  Well, if you insist, it was Waste Management.
Agent 54:  I should have known.  Alright, I’m getting hungry now.  I’m gonna go home for some chow.  You know, we’re both on the same team here.  We should be friends. (Agent 54 puts his hand out for shaking.)
Foilman:  (reluctantly shaking Agent 54’s hand)  Yes, I suppose we are on a similar mission though mine is much more thought out and  makes much more sense on many levels.  Maybe we should get together for a cigar sometime, sometime when you’re dressed more appropriately.
Agent 54:  (taken aback and turning to go and under his breath)  Don’t count on it.

Darth Ranger
So, who’s side are you on?  Foilman or The Rubbish Ranger?

PS:  Today (11/12/166) I ran into a woman who calls herself "The Litter Gitter".  She was on a nice Tricycle with baskets and she had her grabbers stick and a bag for her recycling.  The Litter Gitter said she takes the money from the aluminum she recycles and donates it to her church.  I'm glad there are other civic minded people out there like The Rubbish Ranger and Foilman.