The Count and the Re-Count

The Count

  Agent 54 here again.  Well, just when everyone was wanting to forget the wild and at times, stupid campaign 2016 season, some idiot decided to keep the madness going.  This sparked a phone call between The Count and the leader of the Greens.  Here’s my report on that conversation and situation.

  The two people on the phone couldn’t be more different.  First, there is Green Party Candidate Jill Stein.  She “decided” to demand a re-count in the 3 states closely won by Donald Trump in what appears to be a dubious effort to help Hillary Clinton.  Stein received no percent of the vote herself because, as it turns out, trees can’t vote.   

 

Jill Stein 

Second, there is The Count of Sesame street fame.  The Count is known for being a snappy dresser and counting everything from telephone poles to light sockets with the utmost style and accuracy.  Some have suggested that The Count enjoys his job a little too much.  Could that be possible?

Here’s the call.

Jill Stein:  Hello, this is Jill Stein of the Green Party, we’re clean, mean and Green.  How can I help you?

The Count:  Good evening:  I am The Count ha ha ha.  I heard you may be looking for someone to help you re-count votes.  I am the greatest counter of them all, ha ha ha.

Jill Stein:  That’s correct.  We’re looking for talented people in Wisconsin, Michigan and Pennsylvania to help us get the result we’re looking for, if you know what I mean.

The Count:  Vundabar!  I’m already here in Transylvania and I can start right away.  Tell me, how much does this re-counting pay? ha ha ha

Jill Stein:  Oh no, nobody voted in Transylvania. we need the votes re-counted in the State of Pennsylvania of the USA.  Can you relocate for a while, Mr. Count?

The Count:  Yes, yes I can relocate, if the “Green count” is right, ha ha ha, and by “Green count” I mean green-backs, bucks, dollars, moola etc, ha ha ha.

Jill Stein:  That sounds great. Of course we can pay you handsomely, as long as the count goes our way, if you know what I mean.

The Count:  Very well then.  I will give you the most stylish and accurate re-count of the votes the world has ever seen, ha ha ha.

Jill Stein:  Uh, I’m not sure you understand, Mr. Count.  We’re not looking for accuracy, we already have that.  We’re looking for a certain outcome.  You know what I mean.  We’re trying to cheat.

The Count:  Cheat?  You want The Count to come up with the wrong count?  This I cannot do.  For thousands of years I have been known as the most stylish and accurate counter in the world.  I cannot compromise my reputation with an incorrect calculation, ha ha ha

Jill Stein:  Well, I can get a chimpanzee to give me an accurate re-count for peanuts.  I’m looking for certifiable results here.

The Count:  Madame, I am personally insulted by your offer.  No, no I will not be coming to Pennsylvania to cheat, ha ha ha.  Good Evening, (“click”, he hangs up the phone)

Jill Stein:  (to herself after the call)  Hmmm, I wonder if chimps can be trained to cheat?

Well, it looks like poor Jill’s misguided efforts to cheat are going to fail.  Maybe next time she can get “the woods” vote out to help her win.