Agent 54
here again with another installment of Blitzed Wolfer’s terrific interview
series on CAN. Who knew Blitzed would outlast
Bill O’Reilly?
Today’s
interview subject is kind of a happy accident and a social experiment at the
same time. Let’s check out what
Knucklehead Ned, formerly of the infamous Spacebeard crew, is up to now.
Blitzed:
Welcome to The Warrior’s Studio for our 7th edition. I bumped into Knucklehead Ned, the former First Mate
for the infamous space pirate, Spacebeard and he graciously agreed to join us
here today. Please welcome Knucklehead
Ned.
Audience:
Mild applause
Ned: Aye, how
ya doin?
Blitzed:
Quite well. I noticed you seem to
have an unique way of expressing yourself
Knuckle, or do you prefer Head or, uh,
I apologize, what do I call you?
Ned: Argh Ned,
will do just fine and fuggedaboutit!
Blitzed: Yes,
it seems that you have picked up some of the local vernacular in your brief
stay here in New York City.
Ned: No, the
wench at the clinic said I was doin ahh-ight.
Blitzed: No,
I meant that you have adopted some of the phrasing and accents found here.
Ned: Aye,
I’ve loined a ting or two from my new
mateys in the Savage Skulls club of da
Bronx.
Blitzed: Oh
my, the Savage Skulls? Aren’t they a
vicious criminal gang?
Ned: Argh,
I’d say they be more like mischievous than vicious, ya know what I’m sayin?
Blitzed: Not
exactly but, let’s move on. Okay so, do
you miss your swashbuckling about the galaxy days with Spacebeard? Tell me why you left your crew.
Ned: Argh,
the question be, why did they leave me? Aye,
sometimes I do miss microwaving the Captain’s Pepperoni Pizza and hanging out
with Smelly Pirate Space Hookers but, me new mateys and I be chillin in the crib and smokin blunts. Yo Ho! It’s more fun than a barrel of space rum.
Blitzed: So,
you’re not going to rejoin Spacebeard and pilfer Pepperoni Pizzas from Darth
Vader and the Empire anymore?
Ned: Argh,
I’m sure when they get to noticin I ain’t around and when the coast is clear,
Captain Spacebeard will come about to beam me aboard and it’ll be just like
olden times.
Blitzed: Yes
well, the coast better be very clear because we just got rid a nosey official
from The Empire who was asking a lot of questions about stolen Pepperoni
Pizzas.
Ned: Yo!
You know, snitches get stitches. What exactly did you tell da man?
Blitzed: Oh
don’t worry. I made up a BS story about
a failed investment in an Italian restaurant in Queens. He bought it hook line and sinker.
Ned: Aye, I
did hear that ye be full-a-shit but, I
better not hear nuttin about you singin like no boid.
Blitzed: (nervously)
Honestly, I didn’t tell ’em nuttin,,,I
mean anything. I can keep my
beak,,,uh,,, mouth shut.
Ned: Aye, of
course ye can. Hey don’t get noivous, fuggedaboutit!
Wow! Who woulda thunk a few dozen stolen Pepperoni
Pizzas would still be giving Blitzed indigestion all these months later.
