Saturday, April 22, 2017
Agent 54 here again with another installment of Blitzed Wolfer’s terrific interview series on CAN. Who knew Blitzed would outlast Bill O’Reilly?
Today’s interview subject is kind of a happy accident and a social experiment at the same time. Let’s check out what Knucklehead Ned, formerly of the infamous Spacebeard crew, is up to now.
Blitzed: Welcome to The Warrior’s Studio for our 7th edition. I bumped into Knucklehead Ned, the former First Mate for the infamous space pirate, Spacebeard and he graciously agreed to join us here today. Please welcome Knucklehead Ned.
Audience: Mild applause
Ned: Aye, how ya doin?
Blitzed: Quite well. I noticed you seem to have an unique way of expressing yourself Knuckle, or do you prefer Head or, uh, I apologize, what do I call you?
Ned: Argh Ned, will do just fine and fuggedaboutit!
Blitzed: Yes, it seems that you have picked up some of the local vernacular in your brief stay here in New York City.
Ned: No, the wench at the clinic said I was doin ahh-ight.
Blitzed: No, I meant that you have adopted some of the phrasing and accents found here.
Ned: Aye, I’ve loined a ting or two from my new mateys in the Savage Skulls club of da Bronx.
Blitzed: Oh my, the Savage Skulls? Aren’t they a vicious criminal gang?
Ned: Argh, I’d say they be more like mischievous than vicious, ya know what I’m sayin?
Blitzed: Not exactly but, let’s move on. Okay so, do you miss your swashbuckling about the galaxy days with Spacebeard? Tell me why you left your crew.
Ned: Argh, the question be, why did they leave me? Aye, sometimes I do miss microwaving the Captain’s Pepperoni Pizza and hanging out with Smelly Pirate Space Hookers but, me new mateys and I be chillin in the crib and smokin blunts. Yo Ho! It’s more fun than a barrel of space rum.
Blitzed: So, you’re not going to rejoin Spacebeard and pilfer Pepperoni Pizzas from Darth Vader and the Empire anymore?
Ned: Argh, I’m sure when they get to noticin I ain’t around and when the coast is clear, Captain Spacebeard will come about to beam me aboard and it’ll be just like olden times.
Blitzed: Yes well, the coast better be very clear because we just got rid a nosey official from The Empire who was asking a lot of questions about stolen Pepperoni Pizzas.
Ned: Yo! You know, snitches get stitches. What exactly did you tell da man?
Blitzed: Oh don’t worry. I made up a BS story about a failed investment in an Italian restaurant in Queens. He bought it hook line and sinker.
Ned: Aye, I did hear that ye be full-a-shit but, I better not hear nuttin about you singin like no boid.
Blitzed: (nervously) Honestly, I didn’t tell ’em nuttin,,,I mean anything. I can keep my beak,,,uh,,, mouth shut.
Ned: Aye, of course ye can. Hey don’t get noivous, fuggedaboutit!
Wow! Who woulda thunk a few dozen stolen Pepperoni Pizzas would still be giving Blitzed indigestion all these months later.
Saturday, April 1, 2017
Agent 54 here again. We at the NSA under the DORD, picked up some strange communications from very very very far away and I had to analyze it. It appears that the communications are coming from a couple of the new exoplanets that astronomers are finding in our own Milky Way galaxy. Exoplanets are planets that orbit stars other than our Sun. The really strange part is that the decoded messages are not from beings on these planets but, from the planets themselves. Yeah, I know, really weird. Here’s my report.
Exoplanet Wolf 1061 (Wolf) is chatting with Exoplanet Kepler 442 B (Keps)
Wolf: Hey Keps, whazzzzz uppppp?
Keps: Awe, you know same ole, same ole, orbitin and rotatin. Hey, you been checking out that weird solar system with that planet with the humans on it again?
Wolf: Yeah, a little. Tell the truth I get bored with Earth. Too stable for my tastes. You know I like little red hotties like Venus. You know her surface is about 900 degrees.
|Kepler 442 B|
Keps: Oh yeah, she could keep you warm at night. You know my favorite is Saturn. I dig those groovy rings. Outta sight!
Wolf: Man, you always fall for those big stinky gas giants. I mean, I know they’re colorful but, dating them is like going out to a cosmic porta-potty, ain’t it?
Keps: Shut up! You know your Venus has a thick stinky atmosphere too. Hey no planet is perfect.
Wolf: Yeah, well I never tried to score with no giant ice queen like Neptune or Uranus. Remember when Uranus gave you the cold shoulder?
Keps: Will you listen to yourself? Talking like some kinda intergalactic Romeo or something. You ain’t even got what it takes to attract a moon yet. Let me know when you got someone orbiting night and day and then we’ll take about the laws of attraction.
Wolf: Shiiit! That slimy, dirty pile a debris you got orbiting you is nothing but a cosmic dumping sight. That thing is the trailer trash of the Universe.
Keps: You’re just jealous of my trailer trash cuz you ain’t even got that. Anyway, when you gonna make a move on Venus? You know, she ain’t getting no younger.
Wolf: Hey, I’m a planet with a plan. I’m just waiting till the time is right and our systems are just the right distance from each other, then boom! I use a volcano to send her some of my life forms.
Keps: Yeah, be careful. With that thick and hot atmosphere of hers, she’s likely to crush and fry your little “gifts of life”.
Wolf: Com’on! You know I thought of that. I’m gonna send her some extreme life-forms that can survive and thrive all over my little Venus.
Keps: Yeah, well good luck with that. Me, I’m looking forward to the day I can look Saturn in the eye and tell her how beautiful she is.
Wolf: Yeah, and if that don’t work out, you can look Jupiter in her big red eye and tell her you love her too.
Keps: You jerk! You know nobody likes that big fat cyclops.
Wolf: Whadda ya mean? She’s a big stinky gas ball too. Ain’t that your style?
Keps: You really are a jerk, there Wolf. Why do I talk to you?
Wow! This opens up a whole new field of investigation for my NSA under the DORD. I’m sure everyone in the Universe is going to want to know what the other planets are thinking about their celestial neighbors. I could end up with a TV show on the Bravo Network or something.