Agent 54
here again. Once upon a time last
night, I was sitting on my porch in my favorite chair smoking a cigar and
chatting with a neighbor and my wife when my wife yelled “Agent 54, there’s a
scorpion”. I turned to see a mean and
ugly scorpion with his hands in the air like he just don’t care and snarl on
his face, running directly toward my position.
Quick as a cat, I jumped up and stepped on it, killing it only a few
inches from my chair. I had to wonder,
what was on this scorpion’s mind. What
were it’s true intentions?
I’ve been killing scorpions ever since I
moved to my new home. I have a black
light flash light and I put on a pair of gloves and I go out and stab the scorpions
in the face with my pocket knife and dump them in a canister of soapy
water. I’ve gotten hundreds of the pests
over the last few months so, I have to ask myself, was this latest event just a
rogue suicidal charge or is there a larger plot afoot by my enemies? What is really going on?

Actually scorpions are kind of
interesting. For one, they got no
neck. Can you imagine going through life
with your body, head and arms all coming out of the same place? Another thing is that they will eat other
scorpions. Wouldn’t that make dating
difficult? Think about it. You meet a cute girl say hello and then you
have to decide, do I want to mate with her or devour her? Meanwhile, she’s deciding the same thing
about you. Awkward!

I read other interesting things like the fact
that scorpions can go 6 months without eating.
That would suck. I’m hungry right
now. Also, I have to wonder why they glow
bright green under an Ultra-Violet light? What is the purpose of that? Does it have anything to do with Space
Aliens? They say scorpions have been
around since the dinosaurs roamed the Earth. Do scorpions have Ancient Alien
Ancestors? What if it were true?
Coming back to the original question, I have
to wonder if the word is out in scorpion social media circles, that I’m the
greatest scorpion hunter in the entire trailer park? Is there a secret scorpion criminal organization
called S.T.I.N.G.? Are they plotting
in an underground lair (like a hollowed out termite’s nest) with a specific
mission to take me out? Do they have a
scorpion equivalent to Dr. Evil and Mini Me?
Is my very life in danger?
Then I was thinking does this really have to
be an all-out war? Maybe I can find a
way to communicate and negotiate with the local scorpions. Maybe I can get them to bug-out to the next
trailer park over? Surely, Arizona is
big enough for all of us. This could
turn out to be a win-win scenario except, for the people in the next trailer
park. They’re screwed but, who cares!
So, if you know how to communicate with
scorpions, please pass that information on using the comments box on this blog
post. Thanks in advance.
Agent 54 – The Scorpion Whisperer
Yikes, I would hate to run into a scorpion. They are scary little (okay not so little) creatures. I think you have a plan though and that's a good thing.
ReplyDeleteI've missed you and it's good to see a post from you.
Have a fabulous scorpion free day. ☺
Yes, scorpions scare the crap out of my wife. Thanks for all your support over the years. Life can get hectic. I hope I can write some more in the future. Hope you are well.
DeleteSouth Louisiana does not have scorpions (thank heaven, five different kinds of poisonous snakes is enough), but i can tell you that i sympathize with your wife as i would be afraid of them, too.
ReplyDeleteStill, I seek a peaceful solution but, until then, I'll keep stabbing them in the face. Thanks for playing.
DeleteYou do sound like the best scorpion killer! Today I was grabbing gigantic grasshoppers and trapping them in a jar. My husband thought it was cruel and let them out when I turned my back. Hmmph! Now they will just go back to eating my plants!
ReplyDeleteI would have fried them grasshoppers and ate them. Thanks for playing.
DeleteWhatever truce you may reach, Trust but verify.
ReplyDeleteGot it. Thanks for the advice.
DeleteIm with your wife I would have freaked out too...
ReplyDelete...thank goodness no scorpions here in the UK :)
Yes, thank goodness, because I can't come over there and kill them for you. Thanks for playing
Deletespoilsport :)
Delete;)
DeleteThere are no scorpions where I live! Instead I have to deal with spiders in my house on a regular basis.
ReplyDeleteBeware the Black Widow.
DeleteThanks for playing.
I studied scorpions in grad school, so of course I had to pop over and read your post when I saw your nice scorp pic on #BrillBlogPosts. I remember the good old days when people used to feed me pizza to come out to their houses and blacklight for scorpions so they wouldn't get so many in their house. I'm now in Wisconsin, so it's been ages since I've seen a live scorpion.
ReplyDeleteI'm going out tonight. Wish me luck. Thanks for playing.
DeleteThis sounds so creepy. I would have also freaked out.
ReplyDeleteYes, you have to have nerves of steel or shit for brains. Thanks for playing.
DeleteI used to live in a place where the males ate the tails of scorpions to fire them up to battle their enemies. I guess you could try that, fight fire with fire or something like that.
ReplyDeleteWe all need to laugh more so we will feature this on the next Blogger's Pit Stop.
Kathleen
Yeah, if I can get my wife to cook them, I'll eat em. Thanks for allowing me to share.
DeleteIf I am correct, I think negotiations with the scorpions would only get more aggressive. The truth is they can breathe fire. And it seems like the Fuzz could cause major problems, even if we had the Power of Fuzz before them.
ReplyDeleteWell, that's good information. Glad you visited. Please come back early and often and spread your knowledge here.
DeleteI've never seen a real scorpion in my entire 56 years of life! You can't find them over here on our side of the pond but I would totally freak out if I saw one!
ReplyDeleteVery interesting post, Tim.
I figure I've killed over 1200 of them by now with my knife or by stepping on them. Thanks for visiting.
DeleteI would not want to live with scorpions on the prowl that often. Nope not me!
ReplyDeleteThey're not really the monsters they're made out to be.
DeleteThanks for visiting. Check out some of my other silliness.
Ewww...I am glad I live in a non-scorpion zone. My hubby would be busy killing scorpions too.
ReplyDeleteRidding the homestead of pest does make a man feel good.
DeleteThanks for playing.
Gosh, so glad I'm in a scorpion free location! #twinklytuesday
ReplyDeleteYes, I'm working on that too.
DeleteThis is hilarious. And educational. I loved it! Thanks so much for sharing at my link up!
ReplyDeleteShelbee
www.shelbeeontheedge.com
Happy to hear that you enjoyed it.
DeleteOoo rather you than me. I don't think I'd fancy dealing with a scorpion. Thankfully, you don't mind many scorpions in the UK! #Alittlebitofeverything
ReplyDeleteThey're really not the monsters people make them out to be. Usually they run away from me. Thanks for visiting.
DeleteCute, cute post. I can't imagine. They are creepy.
ReplyDeleteGlad you enjoyed my silly story. Thanks for visiting.
Deletecan't say that I'm sad to live in a part of the country where I don't have to worry about those little bastards #anythinggoes
ReplyDeleteThey're not really the monsters people think they are. Thanks for playing.
Deletehahahaha we have similar trains of thought.....
ReplyDeleteGlad you enjoyed my silly story. Please come back early and often.
Delete